Fresh Paint
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Bad Feelings
Feeling #1: Hating the undecided voter

WTF do you think you are, princess? If you can't make up your mind by this point, you have no mind to make up. You spend less time deciding which car to buy or who to sleep with or marry. Is it a power trip thing? Can you really think something cataclysmic will happen at 5:59 am on election day (or worse, 6:59 pm, as you rush to get in line to vote before the official "end of line" sign goes up) that will alter your decision? Perhaps it would be a great idea to PAY ATTENTION to a world outside your own body.

Unless you, too, have stress-induced depression and inaction anxiety. In which case, we need Obama's health plan so we can get treatment.

Feeling #2: Resent having to GOTV

Can't you f**kers get yourselves to the polls without me calling you up and reminding you? Do you so hate America that you don't understand that you ARE America? And that the only difference between you and a bag of Cheetos is that the bag of Cheetos would probably vote if it could, and is sitting at your local precinct office feeding the GOTV workers, so at least it is TRYING? Do you really want a second-rate anchorwoman-wannabe running your life just because you think she's hot?

Feeling #3: Blue-state arrogance

There is no difference between Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio. None. Large northern post-industrial cities, farmland, suburbs. That's pretty much it. So how come we in Illinois are 75 points up for Obama and everyone else doesn't get it? Maybe more than 75. I realize you have to slice about 10 percent off always for wacky Nader types, writer-inners, and people who are undecided about any question you ask them, such as "Would you like a poke in the eye right now?" That still leaves 15 percent. I believe these 15 percent are not actually human. They are the first wave of invaders from another galaxy and must be thwarted at all costs.

Perhaps if we elect Obama, we can bring actual science back to the schools and these feelings will go away and we can get rid of the tin foil.

Feeling #4: The fog of polling

I just don't give a crap any longer, but I still obsess over every poll I have no control over. We all know that the 1000 people chosen for any poll are the idiots who haven't figured out how to screen their calls yet, or have a fake phone number that never gets answered and a real one they give their friends, who are immediately dropped as friends if they ever get a non-friend phone call on that number.

I would put up a poll here on this blog, but I don't have the energy to find the polling widget and stick it in. Then I'd be upset and depressed that no one wanted to take part in the poll -- out of the bazillion visitors each day to Daily Kos, only a couple of thousand bother to vote, so does it make the results a) more accurate, b) less accurate, or c) undecided? I just don't give a rat's ass.

Feeling #5: The constant apology

Am sorry for my lack of enthusiasm 2 days before the election. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry for not being out on the streets knocking on doors. Feel like a hypocrite. Is the most perfect GOTV weather you can imagine, which is identical to perfect football weather -- crisp and clear, you won't get overheated and dehydrated as you climb that final set of steep steps to the apartment building with the door buzzers where no one will buzz you in, because they're not idiots. So you dump your load of flyers in the trash and hit the drive-thru White Castle for a chocolate shake and a bag of sliders because You're Worth It(tm). Which is why my breath smells like onions. I apologize.

Mostly I'm sorry that I want to crush all former Republican Masters of the Universe into squealing lumps of obsolescence. I know I'll feel better on Tuesday evening when it's all over and I head to Grant Park to watch history happen before my very eyes.

Is that so wrong?

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